Waiting

I have a feeling that these late night/early morning blog posts are going to become more and more common as the united states of america continues to try to replicate nazi germany. It's getting pretty bad out there. I filled out the FAFSA that I was talking about filling out earlier but soon after, I found out that this administration has decided to make being in college sports and going to the correct bathroom while being a trans student into a criminal offense. If you have read my blog post titled Existential Stress, then you already know how rulings like this effects everyone and not just trans people. Get ready for cis college students to get transvestigated for daring to present themselves authentically while trying to go to the bathroom. I already don't feel safe going into public bathrooms let alone ones where I have to fear legal persecution more then I already do.

Bathrooms are not the topic of today's blog post. Today's post is going to focus more on some feelings I had and memories remembered yesterday. One of my friend's said they were feeling suicidal due to the way this country is heading, I have not gotten a response back after basically begging them to not take their own life and giving them options on ways out of the country. The waiting has been excruciating. I'm desperate to know if they are alive and have not made any attempts on their life. I smoked the rest of my cigarettes and continued to sit outside and stare at the sky, waiting and thinking about a old friend of mine that is no longer with us, Eddie Shaw. That was the name he presented himself with online. I know his real name but out of respect for his parents and him never telling us his real name while he was alive, I won't say it.

Eddie Shaw

Eddie was a member of a discord server that I used to admin on. He was a bright light in a crowd of not so savory folk. I became friends with him and we related over the similarities between gender dysphoria and muscle dysmorphia. I got pretty close with him. We would try to break the world record for CoD Black Ops Zombies on the Wii but since I was using the wiimote, it made zombies a bit more difficult then other ports. Didn't seem to stop him. He was probably the realest person on that server.

Well at some point Eddie stopped responding to my messages. It was weird and uncharacteristic of him however I didn't want to bother him in case he was busy or simply touching grass and didn't have a internet connection. A month or so later, someone posted a link to a news article talking about his death. Eddie had jumped off a bridge. The poor kid was still in high school. I was devastated once the shock and denial finally wore off. Even now I am sobbing while typing this out. I couldn't play zombies for the longest time after that and even now I still think about him whenever I play it. I felt almost like a mentor to the kid, I almost feel responsible. Like I should have been there for him more then I already was.

I had already seen Bojack Horseman before I met Eddie but only yesterday while staring up into the sky did I remember the poem that Butterscotch read.

The idea that he might have regretted it on the way down kills me inside, I really hope that he didn't suffer when it happened.

Please be ok

My experience with Eddie is the reason why I am freaking out about my friend not responding. As of writing this section, there still is no response from my friend. I have no way to contact them except for email because they don't use their phone except for emergencies. I wish I could run more then half way across the country so I could find them, make sure they are ok, and hug them harder then I've ever hugged anyone before. I know that they read my blog so I am hoping that they see this and just simply have not been looking at their emails. I would be so relieved to find out that this is a overreaction and not another dead friend.

I am typing this part a bit after writing this, she is alive! I am so relieved. I stayed up the entire night and a good portion of the morning, I should sleep soon.