The promise of tomorrow

If you told me while I was in school that I was going to be going to college at some point, I probably would have laughed at you. It's not that I didn't want to go, I did, but I would have tried to be realistic about it. I didn't think that I was going to make it past 19. But I did. And then I kept living. To quote a conversation in Bojack Horseman between Bojack and Diane

Bojack: Life’s a bitch and then you die, right?
Diane: Sometimes. Sometimes, life’s a bitch and then you keep living.

Recently I was in the emergency room because I was collapsing from pain and vomiting chunks of raw meat meat despite not eating meat any time recent to that. The events leading up to that went as follows. I told my parents that I needed to go to the ER, I was told we will if it gets worse. It got worse, my boyfirend and neocities followers say I should go to the ER. I tell my parents that we need to go to the ER again. My parents start yelling at me and escalating the situation tenfold. I start having a mental breakdown because this happens every time my parents get minorly inconvenienced by me. My dad called me a hypochondriac. My boyfriend, who was on call for all of this who up until this point was the embodiement of the 1000 yard stare meme, yelled at them to take me in to the ER, my mom basically tells him to stay out of it and he does because he's never been exposed to a situation like this before. Honestly I don't blame him, my parents are fucking scary when they get that way. Eventually we went to the ER but holy shit everything up until that point would drive the average person insane. Imagine putting up with behavior like this for the majority of your life. I'm serious, this is just scratching the surface of the bullshit that they have pulled.

I'm not content with a life like this. Not only do events like that trigger my CPTSD from them yelling all the time and being generally angry even when I was a kid, they also trigger the PSTD they gave me from when they cornered me, put me in a chokehold when I tried to get out, then beat on my head long after I stopped resisting. Getting away from these people is important for my own self respect and general safety. Oh but I tell them that they are making me suicidal then they try to put me into a ward because clearly it's me who has issues and not them, right? Fucking hell. I have tried to work with them but they refuse to self reflect and instead make me out to be the problem every single time. They have always had that mentality where they think they always know better then me even when I point out proof to them that screams otherwise.

Getting my priorities straight

I would first like to start this section off by thanking everyone who left a comment on neocities or emailed me about going to the ER and checking up on me afterwards. I've been pretty miserable for a bit (also had two wisdom teeth extracted pretty soon after the ER trip) but your support has helped me through this. Everyone who has donated has an even bigger thanks from me. I'm not sure if I am going to be paying for the ER trip or not yet but if not, all the donations are going to go towards getting me away from my parents.

I've been emailing Tina (badgraph1csghost.neocities.org) a bunch, she's been helping me figure out how to move on from here and has made me realise that there is a way out of this. That way out is likely going to a community college. When I wake up after writing this, I am going to start applying for government aid and take other necessary steps to apply to a college. I would be lying if I said I was not scared. I've been stressing pretty hard about it over the past few days but honestly it needs to happen. None of my other siblings have been to college. My dad dropped out as far as I am aware. Despite the rest of my family seemingly being fine with just high school education, I've always said that I would like to go to college but just never believed the opportunity would present itself. My boyfriend is already in a college. With the support of my friends and boyfriend, this is going to be difficult but it's possible. I'd rather take the chance then expose myself and my boyfriend to another traumatizing event with my parents.

My mom yelling at my boyfriend like that crossed a bridge, I can't forgive it. He didn't deserve that, I care too much for him to allow it again. He's the person that brought me back from my lowest low. I would have literally died if he had not showed up in my life in the way he did. I would follow him through hell and back, I know he would do the same for me.

Gaslighting is a funny word but it also a common tactic for parents to use. If I say thats what they are doing, they make me out to be crazy. I've had that variety of brain worm to work out of my head over the past week. I spent most of yesterday soul searching but I always came to the conclusion that what happened the night of the ER trip and all the other traumatizing events can't be justified with rational thought. I'm done trying to rationalize their actions. I need this community college thing to work out for my sanity. For now it at least gives me the promise of tomorrow.

The medical and moving out fund

As of writing this, $242 has been pooled together to help with all of this. I am not touching this money or any other money donated until buying stuff for college and/or paying for the medical bills. Depends on if my parents want me to go fully no contact or not when I leave. Waking up to the first donation (which was $200) as a paypal notification on my phone had me staring at my phone in disbelief for a moment. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that I am getting supported by you all. I'm lucky to have you all between the nice and helpful messages and the donations. There are so many people who don't have that sense of community that we have formed on neocities and the greater internet. I know I get some people who don't browse neocities reading my blog to and I appreciate you all a ton too! Sometimes having a website that actually gets traffic sometimes feels like there are disembodied eyes staring at me and judging my every move but moments like these bring me back to reality. It's weird and sometimes scary to have a public platform to express myself and my thoughts and know that people are actually getting value out of it. Many would consider my contributions to society as next to non existant but those people only really care about capital wealth, not the people that I've helped, not the guides that I've written, not the blog posts, not the data archival and websites, and certainly not the suicides that I have prevented and the ones that I tried my hardest to prevent (I hope your not hurting anymore Eddie, miss you). I wish that I could do so much more then just that, maybe higher education will help me with that. Ok thats all my thoughts for now, it's 4am so I'm going to smoke a cigarette to calm my nerves then go to sleep. I'm going to be busy when I wake up.