08/02/2026

If you have kept up with me and Tina's microblogs, you probably know we are in a pretty tight spot right now. Today she lost access to her blood pressure meds and HRT. I might have lost access to my HRT too but I'm not entirely sure. I lost access to my snap a while ago but I have a job and the state knows about it so it's up in the air right now. I made her a promise that I'll do everything within my power to make sure she keeps her blood pressure meds and HRT and started floating around ideas. One of them was for us to move in with my bio family. If you have read me and Tina's blog posts in the past, you probably know that it would be a terrible experience but hey at least she would be alive since they live in a state that still provides Medicaid to people without jobs. Another idea floated around was that since my job offers insurance, I could set that up if I don't get fired (that's a real risk rn, go read my recent microblogs if you are not in the loop). After getting that setup I could get her added as a beneficiary but for that to work we would need to be married.

Well... this lead to a few conversations that I didn't really expect to have today and was not really ready for. She confronted me a little while later and said she needed to know if I had proposed to her. See when I was floating around the ideas I was laying in bed in just my underwear, no bra or anything else so I told her no because I'm not that trashy.

All of that got me thinking about the past. Mostly about my parents and my ex fiance. I grew up watching how my parents treated each other. They yelled at each other. A lot. Tons of threats of divorce and well, it stuck in my brain. They always excused the yelling and threats as their way of communicating but even as a kid I saw through that. I mostly blame my dad for this being a thing that happened between them but at times my mom was at fault too. I think they probably should not be together and that it would be beneficial to both of them if they were. I never want to be in a situation where all that anger and lack of real problem solving is the norm again. Their behavior towards each other made them feel like it was ok to treat their kids like that too.

Then there was was happened with my ex fiance. I proposed to him and he said yes. Shortly after that he started treating me like shit and started ghosting me. Given how abused I was while living with my family, I felt like trying to make it work anyways was the best option. Well, days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months. When we did talk he would either act like I was only barely a person and blame me for when in the past I brought up genuinely problematic behaviour of his in attempt to shift the blame. Eventually I had enough and cut it off. I've become a lot more self sufficient as a person thanks to it. Tina was both of our friend and she cared so much about us that she tried to patch it before I cut it off but there was no fixing that relationship. Resentment had already grown to strong on both sides. I loved him. I really did. Like nobody I had ever loved before him. But I could only take so much before something had to happen. Now I kind of hate his guts. All the good times have become soured because his true character showed once he thought that he had me locked into that relationship. He kept reading my blog and might still be, I don't know and frankly I don't care. He would get upset that I used it as a way to vent and give my experience and warnings about relationships to my readers. The last time that me and Tina tried to contact him he said he was never going to love someone again, that I had narcissistic personality disorder, then blocked Tina. I hope he betters himself but I can't and don't want to be around for that. The way he was acting reminds me far too much of my dad.

Between him and my parents, I was pretty burnt on the idea of marriage. I never want to experience what my parents are like with each other and my experience with my ex fiance again.

That being said, Tina isn't like them. I don't think it's really fair to hold their behavior to her. Sure I run the risk of her turning out like my ex if I propose but I she has given me a place to stay, doesn't hide anything from me, and it doesn't do things that make me have to sit down with her and explain why I feel like it wasn't ok. The worst she has done is core jalapenos then proceed to cut them as if they were bell peppers was more very mildly annoying then anything serious (I really like spicy food lol). She always apologizes to me over everything she thinks that she did wrong even when it's really not warranted. She's so sweet I love her so much. I love that we have such similar beliefs. I love that we were best friends before we started dating. I love her so much.

Later in the day I asked her "out of curiosity, what would you have said if I had actually proposed''. She said "I have been thinking about that all day... you'll have to propose and find out" I said ok and then there was a silence for awhile while I was processing that. She then said "I would have said yes"

And well reader you are now caught up on the situation. She follows my site on neocities and reads my stuff so for now all that is going to be said is this.