Two years of gremlin

TW: This blog post contains talk about the sexualization of myself as a transfem.

This blog post is a follow up post to my blog post about the one year anniversary of me making gremlin.neocities. You can find the first here.

Author's Note

This website was created on December 11th, 2023. This post is about 3 months late and will contain what some info that took place in these following months but none past the publishing date. These posts act as a time capsule for me and anyone else curious to see what kind of headspace I was in earlier. Lots of things can change in the span of a year.

The ex saga

In my first anniversary blog post, I talked about my at the time most recent ex and my at the time boyfriend. Well, time is an arrow and shit happens. I had gotten engaged to my at the time boyfriend and then he was my at the time fiance. I say "at the time" because we are no more. It's still painful to think about so I generally try to not linger on thoughts of him. I don't wish to go back, I just wish things didn't end so painfully between us. I had problems with how he had been treating me and his lack of standing up to my parents and his own. He had problems with me but I couldn't really tell you what they were. He never really explained. Not properly or coherently or in any way that wasn't easily proven to be false. Towards the end of the relationship he wasn't communicating with me. I broke up with him and said we were just friends until we could learn to speak nicely to one another again. Two months later after not hearing back from him on the subject and him avoiding me, I made a post of my microblog saying there was no getting back together at that point and that I was dating someone else. He must have read it because I was unfriended and blocked on platforms we were both on shortly afterwards. He had been holding onto me. Thought he still had me despite us breaking up. Me saying I was dating someone else must have made him realize I wasn't playing that game. Don't play with my heart, theres plenty of people who won't.

I was really mad at him for a few months after the fact. It's still painful and I still cry over it but I realize now that he was never truly there for me. Looking back at the relationship, I was being used. He admited to being a trans chaser at one point and even my abusive family sat me down and told me to watch out over that. I didn't listen at the time but I can't help but remember it now. When we had first gotten to know each other, I was at my ropes end with life. Gotten broken up with by my sexually abusive ex and then he showed up and made me actually feel like a person again. I lived for him. See, while I'm glad that I'm still alive, it's not good to be in that kind of situation. You become very easily used and impressionable. I felt like a shadow of his image. He felt like I was "a bisexual's dream, best of both worlds". He actually said that. Those are words that came out of his mouth. Multiple times. I didn't think much of it at the time. Looking back on it... yikes. I am fem. At the time I was very confidently a girl. I wanted to be viewed as one. Yet for some reason I didn't see why his words were so icky. I now realize I was a fetish to him.

All I feel when I think about him at this point is pain and sorrow. How much of the relationship was real? If I hadn't ended that relationship, would I have been treated as anything more then a 1950s housewife with a cock?

It's important to find self worth outside of a relationship. If I didn't have my sites, I would probably be dead. He encouraged me to make this site and my others. If he realized that they would have been the reason I was able to break up with him, would he still have?

I <3 Tina

To bring some positivity to this post, I think I need to talk about my new significant other. After I broke up with my most recent ex, I thought I was going to not be able to date anyone again. I thought I was aroace. Sex started to disgusted me and I thought I couldn't trust anyone enough to get close to them like I did with him ever again. Well... before, during, and after the breakup I had become really close friends with Tina from BadGraph1csGhost on neocities. We talked so much and she really made things bareable. She was convinced she was the reason I broke up with my ex. She wasn't. She did however indirectly make me realize it wasn't going to work with him.

When we first started to get close she always called us sisters (that I was her younger sister) and always told me that she wished that we could cuddle under her super mario throw blanket and watch Pokemon + Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood. I always thought it was a nice and comforting idea. Well, that is until I realized that we had become so close that I was starting to get weirded out by her calling me her younger sister. See, she made me realize that I was not aroace but rather had just gone through so many relationships where I had been taken advantage of and not treated as an equal that I felt like I was. I remember telling her my feelings and well, I'll let her own words speak for her. I love her so much. She means so much to me. Reading through her blog post just now has me smiling so hard. She's sleeping as I type otherwise I'd give her a hug, a kiss, and some cuddles :3

Speaking of being able to hug and kiss her, something had happened that led up being able to do those things. It used to be that we lived across the country from each other but after the most recent time that my family was being abusive towards me, she decided that I had to get away from them. She gave me a place to stay and now we live together happily (well as happily as politically aware people in this country can be). Thank you all to everyone who donated to make the bus trip out here possible. It was a rough two day bus ride over here and I had to sit near a transphobe the entire trip but it was so worth it. I <3 you so much Tina!

Identity

For about a decade now I've been presenting as a woman. For 2 and a half of those 10 years, I've been on hrt. My face is softer, so is my voice, I have G cups pushing H, I feel comfortable in my body now. However, over the past 6 months I have realized that I'm not really a big fan of the idea of binary gender. About two weeks ago I came out to my girlfriend as nonbinary. I'm still transfem, I just don't feel like a woman at times. Definitely not a guy. Just kinda, you know, me. I am me. I don't need a proper label other then that I don't conform to the binary cages that society tries to push us into. Gremlin is Gremlin. Riza is Riza. You get the idea. I just looked it up and the label for this is apparently demigirl so if you absolutely must label me, there it is. If you are refering to me in a context that requires pronouns, please use they/them.

My 2025 Overview

• Started NPFO!
• Broke up with my ex fiance.
• Got close with and started dating Tina.
• Moved away from my abusive family and in with Tina.
• Came out as nonbinary.