1/5/26

I think I've been playing too much tomodachi life recently. I've been neglecting my actual life. Definitely going to start limiting my time spent playing it.

12/24/25

Finally have a new stockpile of bulk foods. It's not perfect but it will feed me, Tina, and her mom in the event that we can't leave the house for long periods of time.

I hope that everyone has been having happy holidays! (except for zionists, fascists, my exes, and most of my family)

Watched the muppets version of a christmas carol with Tina, I'm always down to watch a rich old fart get the humanity scared into him. I think the computer animated one does a better job with the last ghost tho. After that we drove around and looked at all the houses with lights. My family used to do that too but stopped at some point when I was still a kid.

12/22/25

We have had the new bed for a few days now, so much better then sleeping on the floor. Being able to get a good nights rest is so nice.

I've been having weird dreams recently. Before I moved I didn't really remember much of them, now I remember lots of them very vividly. Ever since getting the bed I've been having better dreams but my most recent one was upsetting. It was a good dream up that took place in a grocery store until I went to checkout. At the register was my mom who instantly started giving me shit over things that didn't even make sense. I walked out without buying anything and could still hear her yelling from inside the store. I woke up thinking she was in me and Tina's place. I laid in bed until I was sure she wasn't.

It's almost like my brain isn't used to not being constantly traumatized and had to do something to fix it. My mom still calls every so often and acts nice but like... I don't forget the trauma. It can be hard at times trying to talk to her. I avoid it unless she reaches out.

I don't forgive my family, I don't forgive my ex for enabling their abuse, I feel hate.

Luckily hate isn't the only thing I feel anymore, being here with Tina has been a great for my mental health. I feel like a person with complicated emotions rather then an animal stuck in a cage. Only took two and a half decades but I'm free now.

As free as my mind lets me be anyways.

I'm thinking about making music, I need some sort of creative outlet for these emotions. Tina's really good with that kind of stuff so maybe she can show me the ropes even more then she already has. I miss my acoustic guitar, sure the digital tools are cool but I miss putting my emotions into my voice and fingers.

12/19/25

I need to make my own oc to replace neco arc as my site's mascot. See the problem is every time I try it feels like I just make another neco arc varient or it's too inspired by other characters from the media and art that I consume. Nothing feels original. Getting a commission is out of the question, I don't have the money for it and even if I did it wouldn't be my own creation. I understand that being inspired isn't a bad thing but idk.

12/18/25

I didn't mention it but the air matress that Tina and I had been sleeping on popped.
We will be getting a new bed soon, cant wait until we can get some proper sleep.

12/7/25

Yesterday I was feeling pretty low after saying everything said in my last post. I spent most of the day in bed crying and shaking. Tina made me feel better but theres only so much you can do to mend the wound that is the loss of the person that you thought was your best friend and for 2 years your partner. Today I've been doing better. It started off pretty bad, I couldn't handle all the hate and selfishness going on in the world around in real time. It can get to be too much sometimes.

Luckily Tina was able to turn that around too. Despite the rough start it's been a pretty good day so far. We watched the hobbit part 2, sat outside and talked, and most recently I showed her part of my workout routine while topless. See it's not inherently a sexual thing especially since I can't really workout with my bras on anymore, it gets too hot and sweaty and I only get about half of the routine done. That being said, I have G possibly H cups now so it was a spectacle for her I imagine. After that she played me some mario music and ended it with Good Riddance by Green Day. My ex unfriended me on steam yesterday or the day before (not sure which, I've not been on the platform often recently). So the last song felt bittersweet. Me and my ex always said we would follow each other to hell and back. It's clear to me now that it was only a lie to make me think they actually had my back.

Before I broke up with them they had said the past two years was a lie. Despite that, for some reason in the moment I still thought we could maybe work things out. I don't know why I was more cordial to them then I really should have been. They had been pushing me off for months and it felt like I didn't know them by the end. I would ask why they did it but at this point it doesn't matter. They aren't my fiance or even my friend anymore. Good riddance is an apt way to put it. Billy Joe wrote that song after a breakup where he was angry and upset with his ex girlfriend for leaving the way that she did. I feel a similar way about how things ended between me and them. Some people really misunderstand that song. Some people literally danced to it at their proms. Tina told me that it was used for eulogies at her high school. Tbf some people don't care about the lyrics in the music that they consume. Couldn't ever be me. That song is through and through a disgruntled breakup song.

12/5/25

The PI situation was apparently a misunderstanding from my family. The PI was actually looking for someone with the same name as me who used to be friend's with my older brother and dad. She kinda went off the deep end. She stalked my older brother quite a bit which is why once the PI got ahold of him things got cleared up. I knew I wasn't that interesting lol.

I guess this means I gotta put my full site back up eh? Probably not tonight tho. I feel like rearranging some stuff first. I hate to make dead links but I also hate how my site was organized. All the pages will be there just gotta look for them again.

My most recent ex is back on neocities. They probably read about me dating someone else now. Oh well. I did want to be clear with them but I didn't feel like I was allowed to be. We broke up and I said we are just friends until we can figure stuff out. I should have said we are just friends. I have no intention of returning to that relationship. In the moment I genuinely thought maybe. Now however? No. That ship has sailed and sunk to the bottom of the ocean. I had my reasons to split in the first place. You can go on that journey of self improvement and I do recommend that you do + see it through until the end however don't expect me to be there for you romantically after the way things ended unless me and my girlfriend decide we want to have a polycule (very unlikely). I love her too much and was hurt too much by you to return to just you and me. That ship was leaking too much and sunk as a result.

Thats not to say that I hate you. In fact it's quite the opposite. I still love and care about you. I wish the best for you in life. I just can't return to a situation where you are allowed to have that much control over me and my behavior. You made me put up with my family's abusive bullshit because you couldn't handle it and I have a sneaking suspicion that both my brothers manipulated you into thinking it was me that was the problem. Aside from this, your own family are nut cases and you would always wait so long to confront them on any issues to the point where I felt like no contact with them was the best choice. After a certain point in our relationship I felt like a shell of my former self. Like I had to censor the person that you helped create. You built me up and then tore me down. I'm left fixing the broken pieces once more.

I wish we could have talked about this one on one but everything leading up to this point told me that no, we can't. Well my feelings are now here for you to consume at your own leasure. Anything else left to say can be summed up by the song below.

You've had plenty of time to speak up yourself and all I got was silence so I don't want to hear it now. We can still be friends. Don't expect anything more then that.

12/1/25

Moving here has had it's ups an downs. I hear guns being fired far more often than I am comfortable with, sometimes rather close. Another problem has been the cold but honestly I don't really see it as a problem, I always loved cold weather and snow. I've been breaking out with itchy bumps everywhere on my body and we are no closer to figuring out whats causing it then we were since it started. My skin is already scarring from some of the worst of it but luckily there is less bumps that are actively itchy on my skin. In order to get laundry done I need 10 quarters per load because the washer and dryer are coin operated and communal. 5 for the washer and 5 for the dryer. Wanna know the most annoying part of it? The bank only lets you exchange $10 increments into quarters. Oh and bed bugs, me and my girlfriend found bedbugs. I feel like I should have started off with that one.

Despite all those annoying and sometimes dangerous things, there is a lot of things that are way better here then the other places that I lived. I don't have to worry about my family killing me or kicking me out because I'm nowhere near them anymore and live with my girlfriend. Speaking of living with my girlfriend, thats another big positive! We love each other very much and make each other very happy! We both know how to cook which is a big plus. We also have both been getting enough grocery money in order to make use of that. We have been eating very well to say the least. I've been slowly turning my gf and her mom vegan (or at the very least vegetarian) by making vegan foods for them to enjoy! They took to the beyond burgers/beyond beef so well which kinda caught me by surprise since my family refused to touch the stuff. Tacos is probably one of our favorite uses of beyond beef. We season the "beef", put them in shells, then throw diced red onion on top. On my own I also add hot sauce or salsa. We would add lettuce too but we keep forgeting to pick it up at the store. Another thing that I have been doing is increasing their spice tolerance and showing them how to properly season things. They used to be pretty milktoast (their words, not mine) before I got here but now they are actually willing to use more seasoning and eat the spicy stuff that I make. Still haven't convinced them to use black pepper tho.

Me and my gf have been watching tons of shows and movies. Before I just kinda watched whatever I could find on adult swim's online marathons (except for rick and morty, fuck that show). Now I'm watching stuff she has hoarded like Bob's Burgers, Space Ghost Coast to Coast, LoTR + The Hobbit, Courage the Cowardly Dog (my parents never let me watch it as a kid), and the occasional spongebob episode. We've also been playing my Wii a ton. Thanks to my Wii + GCN hoard and her own, we will have enough to play for years. I miss my xbox 360 and PC capable of running new graphics heavy games but honestly it's been good for my mental health to not be playing shooter games all the time. Yes, the Wii has shooter games however I don't find myself playing them very often especially around my girlfriend. On top of all the Wii + GCN stuff we have a ton of 3DS/2DS games to play so I don't really find myself getting all too bored around here. Despite all the bad, we have it really good right now. Both me and her finally get to be happy. Not like the kind of happy where you tell people you are happy to get them off your back because you don't want to talk about your mental health around people who are going to make it worse, we are genuinely happy. Now we just gotta watch out for evil and intimidating horses.

11/25/25

Before the move my older brother told me that I would get homesick at some point.
Tbh the only things that I miss is weed and my older brother's pets.
Getting away from my family for good is one of the best things to ever happen to me.
Very big shoutout to the people who donated my escape funds.
Most of it was just from one person and tbh I really hope it hasn't put her in a rough spot financially.

Backtracking to my last post, the PI apparently had said something about being concerned about my mental health.
I want it to be known that I am not depressed, suicidal, or anything like that.
That if I suddenly disappear it's not of my own free will.

It's nice to be back on neocities and working on my sites again.
That being said, I need to find a job. Trying to do so in a state that hates trans people has me nervous.
If the trip over here taught me anything, it's that I can't pretend to be a guy anymore.
Doing so kills me inside so no more of that.
If I'm to find a job it will have to be somewhere that will accept me for who I am.

11/23/25

I am safe, or safer I guess. Can't ever be truly safe under the current US administration (regime).
However, I won't let that hold me back from speaking up.
Someone apparently sent a PI after me or my parents we can't really tell which. Luckily I'm nowhere near them anymore.
The place I'm at has it's own issues but at least they aren't the kind where you are concerned about your parents killing each other and you.
I'm so greatful to be where I am with my loving girlfriend. She makes me so happy.

All is well for now.